The Power of Love (adapted from Becky Bailey's work in Conscious Discipline) is the conscious choice to see the best in others. This Power stems from the principle that what we offer to others, we strengthen in ourselves.
If we judge others or see them as lacking or bad, we generate a state of irritation and lack within ourselves. We can’t harbor negative thoughts toward others without negatively impacting ourselves.
On the other hand, as we extend well wishes to others, we experience appreciation and gratitude. We define others and ourselves in the highest possible way.
If we judge others or see them as lacking or bad, we generate a state of irritation and lack within ourselves. We can’t harbor negative thoughts toward others without negatively impacting ourselves.
On the other hand, as we extend well wishes to others, we experience appreciation and gratitude. We define others and ourselves in the highest possible way.
How to Access the Power of Love
When others act the way we believe they should, it’s easy to access the Power of Love. Our heart-shaped glasses are firmly in place, ready and often willing to see the best.
It’s much harder to choose this perception when we think others have made poor choices. When we’re triggered by misbehavior, we sink into the lower centers of the brain. Here, our heart-shaped glasses are nowhere to be found.
From the survival state, conflict appears threatening and bad. It’s a threat to our authority, our ability to teach, even our safety. We feel that it must be punished. From the emotional state, conflict is irritating and upsetting. We feel that the offending person is deliberately making our lives hard. The behavior must be stopped.
In order to see the best, we must reach our executive state. From the executive state, you have access to all your best skills. That means you have a choice.
You can choose to see conflict as a call for help and a teaching opportunity. You’ll be able to discern the communication embedded in the child’s behavior and solve the problem by teaching new skills.
So, when you’re triggered by conflict and misbehavior, pause. Understanding you aren’t wearing your glasses, don’t say anything just yet. Smile. Take a deep breath, and relax. Take two more deep breaths, reminding yourself, I’m safe. Keep breathing. I can handle this.
Now, put on your heart-shaped glasses and prepare to see the situation—and the child—through a loving lens.
When others act the way we believe they should, it’s easy to access the Power of Love. Our heart-shaped glasses are firmly in place, ready and often willing to see the best.
It’s much harder to choose this perception when we think others have made poor choices. When we’re triggered by misbehavior, we sink into the lower centers of the brain. Here, our heart-shaped glasses are nowhere to be found.
From the survival state, conflict appears threatening and bad. It’s a threat to our authority, our ability to teach, even our safety. We feel that it must be punished. From the emotional state, conflict is irritating and upsetting. We feel that the offending person is deliberately making our lives hard. The behavior must be stopped.
In order to see the best, we must reach our executive state. From the executive state, you have access to all your best skills. That means you have a choice.
You can choose to see conflict as a call for help and a teaching opportunity. You’ll be able to discern the communication embedded in the child’s behavior and solve the problem by teaching new skills.
So, when you’re triggered by conflict and misbehavior, pause. Understanding you aren’t wearing your glasses, don’t say anything just yet. Smile. Take a deep breath, and relax. Take two more deep breaths, reminding yourself, I’m safe. Keep breathing. I can handle this.
Now, put on your heart-shaped glasses and prepare to see the situation—and the child—through a loving lens.
Judging the Intentions of Others
Every day, we judge the intentions of others. That person cut us off in traffic just to be rude. Our child is acting out for attention. Our dog only ruined our favorite shoes because he missed us.
When we’re in an upset state, of course, we tend to attribute negative intent. Our judgments are also influenced by automatic filters created from our past experiences. These filters are not based on the present moment or the person’s actual intentions.
Once we’re calm and wearing our heart-shaped glasses, we can choose to attribute positive intent instead. The Power of Love gives us the ability to see the best and respond accordingly.
Maybe that person didn’t mean to cut us off after all. Perhaps he was rushing due to an emergency, or maybe he had a bad day and was distracted. Let’s wish him well and move on instead of spending the day fuming about rude drivers.
Maybe our “attention-seeking” child really needs connection and doesn’t know how to ask for it. Punishing or isolating the child would simply make the problem worse.
Attributing positive intent is the healthier and happier option. It leads to effective solutions and powerful results.
Every day, we judge the intentions of others. That person cut us off in traffic just to be rude. Our child is acting out for attention. Our dog only ruined our favorite shoes because he missed us.
When we’re in an upset state, of course, we tend to attribute negative intent. Our judgments are also influenced by automatic filters created from our past experiences. These filters are not based on the present moment or the person’s actual intentions.
Once we’re calm and wearing our heart-shaped glasses, we can choose to attribute positive intent instead. The Power of Love gives us the ability to see the best and respond accordingly.
Maybe that person didn’t mean to cut us off after all. Perhaps he was rushing due to an emergency, or maybe he had a bad day and was distracted. Let’s wish him well and move on instead of spending the day fuming about rude drivers.
Maybe our “attention-seeking” child really needs connection and doesn’t know how to ask for it. Punishing or isolating the child would simply make the problem worse.
Attributing positive intent is the healthier and happier option. It leads to effective solutions and powerful results.
Judging the Intentions of Children
Through the Power of Love, the goal is to look at every child, no matter what their behavior, and open our hearts.
Children attempt to meet their needs through whatever skills they possess. Unfortunately, many children learn inappropriate ways of expressing emotions and meeting their needs.
This may be the result of direct teaching or the modeling of negative behavior from adults. Common strategies include screaming when angry, hitting when frustrated, manipulating when wanting something, and lying or appeasing others to avoid conflict.
Adverse childhood experiences also teach children coping skills like distrust, withdrawal and aggression. Until they learn new skills, children will continue to apply these strategies to every situation in an effort to feel safe.
We can use the Power of Love to view these behaviors as a call for help.
Through the Power of Love, the goal is to look at every child, no matter what their behavior, and open our hearts.
Children attempt to meet their needs through whatever skills they possess. Unfortunately, many children learn inappropriate ways of expressing emotions and meeting their needs.
This may be the result of direct teaching or the modeling of negative behavior from adults. Common strategies include screaming when angry, hitting when frustrated, manipulating when wanting something, and lying or appeasing others to avoid conflict.
Adverse childhood experiences also teach children coping skills like distrust, withdrawal and aggression. Until they learn new skills, children will continue to apply these strategies to every situation in an effort to feel safe.
We can use the Power of Love to view these behaviors as a call for help.
Judging vs. Seeing the Call for Help
WHEN WE JUDGE CHILDREN AND THEIR BEHAVIORS, WE:
ON THE OTHER HAND, WHEN WE SEE MISBEHAVIOR AS A CALL FOR HELP, WE:
From this perspective, we see a call for help and a seed of potential in children who are being hurtful to themselves and others. Love is our most essential, most effective tool for reaching children who exhibit challenging or aggressive behaviors. Hurt, distrust and shame are at the root of these behaviors. To change challenging behaviors, children need someone to see them differently when they are expressing the behavior, use conscious language, and set a healthy limit.
WHEN WE JUDGE CHILDREN AND THEIR BEHAVIORS, WE:
- Keep them stuck in the lower centers of the brain, feeling unsafe and unloved.
- Teach the child to cope with abandonment and rejection instead of learning a new skill.
- Leave the child with two options: Accept that they are indeed bad, or try to defend their self-worth by engaging in a power struggle.
ON THE OTHER HAND, WHEN WE SEE MISBEHAVIOR AS A CALL FOR HELP, WE:
- Define the core of the child as good.
- Lift the child to the higher centers of the brain, where they feel safe, loved and ready to learn.
- Place the child and ourselves on the same team, where they begin to trust us enough to cooperate and feel motivated to learn new skills.
- Teach the child a new SEL skill they will need for the rest of their lives.
From this perspective, we see a call for help and a seed of potential in children who are being hurtful to themselves and others. Love is our most essential, most effective tool for reaching children who exhibit challenging or aggressive behaviors. Hurt, distrust and shame are at the root of these behaviors. To change challenging behaviors, children need someone to see them differently when they are expressing the behavior, use conscious language, and set a healthy limit.
The Language of the Power of Love
To attribute positive intent, say, “You wanted ___________” or “You were hoping ______________.”
For example, let’s say a child pushes her friend. Why did she do it?
A. She wanted to be hurtful.
B. She enjoys behaving disrespectfully.
C. She wanted her friend to move, and she didn’t know how to ask.
We now have a choice. We can make up a negative story or a positive story about why the child pushed her friend. Using the Power of Love and the Skill of Positive Intent allows us to look at the story in a way, that sets us up for learning and problem solving.
Say, “You wanted your friend to move.” This statement acknowledges the child’s needs without labeling the child as bad. It's not dishonest or bypassing, it's just taking out the 'story' that the child is 'bad'.
You now have the opportunity to teach.
Now say, “Pushing hurts. When you want your friend to move, say, ‘Excuse me.' Using our words is helpful! We teach others how to treat us” This teaches the child a new skill and an acceptable, healthy way to meet her needs.
To attribute positive intent, say, “You wanted ___________” or “You were hoping ______________.”
For example, let’s say a child pushes her friend. Why did she do it?
A. She wanted to be hurtful.
B. She enjoys behaving disrespectfully.
C. She wanted her friend to move, and she didn’t know how to ask.
We now have a choice. We can make up a negative story or a positive story about why the child pushed her friend. Using the Power of Love and the Skill of Positive Intent allows us to look at the story in a way, that sets us up for learning and problem solving.
Say, “You wanted your friend to move.” This statement acknowledges the child’s needs without labeling the child as bad. It's not dishonest or bypassing, it's just taking out the 'story' that the child is 'bad'.
You now have the opportunity to teach.
Now say, “Pushing hurts. When you want your friend to move, say, ‘Excuse me.' Using our words is helpful! We teach others how to treat us” This teaches the child a new skill and an acceptable, healthy way to meet her needs.
How the Power of Love Boosts Academic Achievement
We’ve discussed how the Power of Love helps children learn vital SEL skills. But that’s not all: It also helps children learn and thrive academically. When we see the best in children, we help them access the optimal state for learning.
All children internally ask, “Am I safe?” When their answer to this question is “No,” they remain in the survival state. There, they devote their energy to developing coping strategies that will keep them safe (e.g. hurting others before others hurt them, withdrawing from life and becoming invisible) instead of fostering curiosity for learning.
When children answer, “Yes,” they’re able to move to the emotional state. In the emotional state, children internally ask, “Am I loved? Do I belong?” If their answer to this question is “No,” they remain in the emotional state. They develop mental models like, “Negative attention is better than no attention” or “Perfection is my only hope.”
When children feel both safe and loved, they experience an executive state, allowing them to focus on learning. The question the executive state internally asks is, “What can I learn?”
We’ve discussed how the Power of Love helps children learn vital SEL skills. But that’s not all: It also helps children learn and thrive academically. When we see the best in children, we help them access the optimal state for learning.
All children internally ask, “Am I safe?” When their answer to this question is “No,” they remain in the survival state. There, they devote their energy to developing coping strategies that will keep them safe (e.g. hurting others before others hurt them, withdrawing from life and becoming invisible) instead of fostering curiosity for learning.
When children answer, “Yes,” they’re able to move to the emotional state. In the emotional state, children internally ask, “Am I loved? Do I belong?” If their answer to this question is “No,” they remain in the emotional state. They develop mental models like, “Negative attention is better than no attention” or “Perfection is my only hope.”
When children feel both safe and loved, they experience an executive state, allowing them to focus on learning. The question the executive state internally asks is, “What can I learn?”
Isn’t the Power of Love permissive?
Wouldn’t I be letting children off the hook? No. It’s true that the Power of Love does not rely on punitive actions, but this doesn’t mean we’re being permissive.
We set limits and teach new skills in a healthy manner. Seeing challenging behavior as a call for help allows us to teach children safe, healthy ways to meet their needs. This perception does not let anyone off the hook; it lets everyone win.
By showing compassion to a struggling child, we help the child take ownership of their actions and reflect on their behavior. Shaming, judging, or scaring the child does not facilitate ownership or reflection. Personal responsibility can only be cultivated, not coerced or forced, and it is required before a child can choose to change their behavior or learn new skills.
In addition, showing children compassion and acceptance only when they behave sends the message, “When you do what I want, you earn my love.” This links love with approval and leads to people-pleasing behaviors. Children then act appropriately not because they love others, but because they fear others won’t love them.
Wouldn’t I be letting children off the hook? No. It’s true that the Power of Love does not rely on punitive actions, but this doesn’t mean we’re being permissive.
We set limits and teach new skills in a healthy manner. Seeing challenging behavior as a call for help allows us to teach children safe, healthy ways to meet their needs. This perception does not let anyone off the hook; it lets everyone win.
By showing compassion to a struggling child, we help the child take ownership of their actions and reflect on their behavior. Shaming, judging, or scaring the child does not facilitate ownership or reflection. Personal responsibility can only be cultivated, not coerced or forced, and it is required before a child can choose to change their behavior or learn new skills.
In addition, showing children compassion and acceptance only when they behave sends the message, “When you do what I want, you earn my love.” This links love with approval and leads to people-pleasing behaviors. Children then act appropriately not because they love others, but because they fear others won’t love them.
We have been asking the children "Do you want to be helpful or hurtful?" and they have been deeply thinking about it. When they are reminded that hurtful actions to others invites more hurt to come to them but that helpful actions invites more help to come to them, their eyes just light up and they say "I want to be helpful!"
All of us are truly good at heart!
I highly recommend the Powers of Resilience e-course with Becky Bailey to dive deeper into this work:
consciousdiscipline.com/product/individual-registration-powers-of-resilience-sel-for-adults/
All of us are truly good at heart!
I highly recommend the Powers of Resilience e-course with Becky Bailey to dive deeper into this work:
consciousdiscipline.com/product/individual-registration-powers-of-resilience-sel-for-adults/
 | This month we have been reading 'Schubert Sees the Best' which focuses on transforming hurtful situations into helpful interactions, addressing name-calling, and building empathy by learning how to look at each other with heart shaped glasses and remembering to tap into the Power of Love. You can hear the book read aloud here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QPM3s4EMhA |
Valentine's Love
For these heart-shaped valentines we practiced our stitching, improving hand-eye coordination, decorated them for our families.
Huge gratitude to the sweet CG Grandma for donating all these lovely hearts to create with!
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We also made some Valentine's collages! While we create we've been talking about all the people we receive love from in our lives and the different ways we feel it. A simple yet powerful theme--love comes into play as we interact with one another, with animals, plants, and the earth itself.
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Valentine Surprises
The kids loved passing out valentines to their friends. Everyone has fun trying to read their friends names.
Feeling Deeply with Ibex
Ibex’s story helps us with noticing and sharing our own feelings, and listening to others’ feelings even when it’s hard to do.
You can read the book and access more resources here:
https://slumberkins.com/pages/ibex-resources
https://slumberkins.com/pages/ibex-resources
The Science of Sourdough
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Ingredients
- 5 cups (600g) spelt flour
- 1 1/2 cups (340g) water, lukewarm
- 1 cup (227g) ripe sourdough starter
- 2 1/2 teaspoons (15g) table salt
- Measure flour by gently spooning it into a cup, then sweeping off any excess. In a large bowl, combine all of the ingredients, kneading to form a smooth dough.
- Allow the dough to rise in a lightly greased, covered bowl until it's doubled in size, about 1 1/2 hours.
- Transfer the dough to a lightly floured surface and divide in half; it'll deflate somewhat. Preshape each piece of dough by pulling the edges into the center, turning it over so the seam is on the bottom, and rolling under your cupped hands to form a ball. Let the dough rest, covered, for 15 minutes.
- Shape the dough into a round ball or fat oval.
- Place the loaves on a lightly greased or parchment-lined baking sheet. Cover and let rise until very puffy, about 1 hour. Toward the end of the rising time, preheat the oven to 425°F.
- Spray the loaves with lukewarm water and dust lightly with flour.
- Score the loaves: Make two fairly deep diagonal slashes in the top of each.
- Bake the sourdough bread for 25 to 30 minutes, until the crust is deep golden brown. Remove the loaves from the oven, and cool on a rack.
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Birthday Magic!
We love celebrating birthdays! Big thanks to Mama Ali for bringing in this delicious chocolate banana cake.
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Colorful Geometry
Finding the corresponding shapes and colors for these cards helps with color and shape recognition. To be able to reproduce what they see,
many parts of the brain are engaged as they search for the correct shapes.
many parts of the brain are engaged as they search for the correct shapes.
Estimating Raisins
Counting is more fun when you get to guess first!
Butterfly Alphabet
Ten Things Children Learn From Block Play
“What do you think children learn through block play?” Here are some responses from NAEYC staff and Young Children consulting editors:
- Problem solving. Sometimes it is intentional: “I want to build X. How do I do that?” Other times it is in-themoment: “To go higher and add to one side, what can I use?”—Peter Pizzolongo
- Imagination. Children can follow their own plan, or they can share a friend’s vision and work together to create something they never dreamed of.—Karen Cairone
- Self-expression. Blocks offer many ways for young dual language learners to explore, express themselves, and demonstrate what they are learning across languages.— Karen Nemeth
- Mathematics. Important concepts and skills are practiced and strengthened through block play, including length, measurement, comparison, number, estimation, symmetry, balance.—Kristen Kemple
- Continuity and permanence. Block play engages spatial sense and motor abilities; it can be a solo or a group effort; block creations can stand for an indefinite period of time.—Lawrence Balter
- Creativity. Blocks and other loose parts can be moved freely by children, to be combined and recombined in countless ways.—Angela Eckhoff
- Science. Blocks offer opportunities to test hypotheses and build scientific reasoning.—Gayle Mindes
- Self-esteem. Children discover that they have ideas and that they can bring their ideas to life by creating, transforming, demolishing, and re-creating something unique.—Holly Bohart
- Social and emotional growth. Blocks help children learn to take turns and share materials, develop new friendships, become self-reliant, increase attention span, cooperate with others, and develop self-esteem.— Kathleen Harris
- Development in all areas. Block play requires fine and gross motor skills. Blocks enhance children’s problem-solving abilities, mathematics skills, and language and literacy abilities. And constructing “creations” builds selfesteem and feelings of success. —Linda Taylor
Rolling with the Bees
Picnic Time!
70 degrees in February! We love to get the most out of our sunshine. Any chance to shed layers and get our feet in the earth!
Thank you cleaner uppers!
Sweet Friends
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See You Next Time!
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